


Factory of Bad Things

by Gael_of_the_Dank_Soul



Series: Hey 2B! [1]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-03-14 15:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,812
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13593000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gael_of_the_Dank_Soul/pseuds/Gael_of_the_Dank_Soul
Summary: 9S's curiosity gets both himself AND 2B destroyed on a regular basis. It's all good, though, because he also takes regular consciousness backups for the two of them. They just come back in new bodies with no regard for YoRHa's resource budgeting and before you can say "Glory to Mankind," 9S has already thought of another way to get them both killed.





	1. Sales Pitch

**Author's Note:**

> Don't overthink this story. I wrote it hoping I could make some people laugh, and I didn't worry about continuity errors too much when I wrote it, so I encourage any readers who see this to do the same.

“Hey 2B!”

2B had been reviewing the consciousness-backup data that had been saved to the Bunker's servers for herself and 9S when she heard his call. It came from a ways away. 2B estimated she could review 60% of the stored memory before he got there, and got started on that. From the looks of the recordings, 2B and 9S's previous “death” had been in the process of introducing religion to Machines. 2B hoped it would slow the Machines' military capabilities, while 9S merely wanted to see what they would think of this old staple of human society. Either way, they did not get to see what became of this endeavor.

“What is it, 9S?” answered 2B as her partner ran through the hall of the Bunker, barely skidding to a stop without crashing into her door before it could automatically open.

“I got a great idea,” he said. But before she could interject something about his track-record with ideas introduced in this manner, he had already continued. “I need your help pitching it to the Commander. It's kinda resource-intensive.”

“Ummm... what kind of re- wait,” 2B caught herself, realizing she had put the proverbial cart before the horse. “What's the idea, anyway?”

“I was thinking we could blow up that abandoned factory,” 9S said. “All we need by my calculations are some explosives and a truck to drive into the core of the factory.”

Assuming the Commander would shoot down the idea, 2B pretended to agree. “Well that's not as resource-intensive as it sounds. We still have to pitch this to the Commander, though.”

So 2B and 9S hurried to the command center of the Bunker to meet with the Commander.

“Have you finished your maintenance and resupply?” White, the bunker's Commander asked.

“Yes commander, and we wanted to report some new intel too,” 9S replied. 2B stayed silent, letting the commander assume she agreed, and let 9S do all the talking. “Remember that factory we raided a few months ago?” 9S continued. “Well aside from the fact that it produces Goliath-class machines pretty quickly, we also noticed that... in general, the factory brings nothing but pain and misery to those who go to it.”

“What do you mean, 9S?” asked White, speaking slowly to convey her hesitant confusion.

“Well, 2B, myself, and countless other YoRHa agents died either at the factory, or on approach to it. The factory has produced three Goliath classes we're still finding KIA soldiers from. There may or may not be a death cult in its lower depths. And I just _know_ something's gonna top all of those things later if we don't do something about that factory.”

White raised an eyebrow as 9S's proposal edged toward paranoid ravings, but he still had made a good point. Three Goliaths in that amount of time was unacceptable regardless of which party would be burdened with cleaning the resulting mess. “What is the _something_ you propose we do about this factory?” White asked.

“We're going to drive a truck carrying explosives into the core of the factory. I'll hack and remote-drive it in,” said 9S. “We'll procure everything we need on-site. We just need your go-ahead, ma-am.”

The Commander grunted. 2B tried not to look excited that White appeared to be leaning towards a veto of 9S' plan.

“Alright, if you say you can procure all necessary materials on-site, then you have my permission.”

2B's blindfold visor hid her widened eyes. _What the hell is that shit? Did the Commander take stupid-pills this morning?_ 2B tried to keep her expression as blank as possible. She had been counting on the Commander to shoot down this idea, and 2B was already in too deep in implied-support of the plan to back out now. And she had tuned out everything 9S and the Commander had said since the plan had been approved, so now she had no idea what other strings of cheery, smiling dumbassery were being attached to 9S' already-mile-long chain. _Looks like he's saluting._

“Glory, to Mankind,” 2B and 9S said in unison.

“Glory, to Mankind,” repeated White.


	2. RIP Phil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 9S has gotten the go-ahead from the YoRHa commander for his plan to blow up the factory, but 2B is still skeptical of the plan's merits. Heartwarming antics ensue.

“So where do you want this shit dropped off?” asked Jackass. At her direction, a burly Resistance android was carrying a large crate on his shoulder.  
“Just in the back of this truck,” answered 9S.  
“I thought you said you'd get everything for this 'on-site',” 2B stated more as a question than a statement. “Just buying bombs from Jackass seems like cheating.”  
“It's fine, 2B. I'm paying out of pocket from my own budget.”  
“Now tell me, for my own curiosity, why you swapped out the timer on these babies for a thermometer?” asked Jackass, unaware that she had interrupted 2B. Not that she would have cared anyway.  
“Sorry, Jack... Ass... YoRHa Classified until the OP is over,” 9S answered her, still not used to the moniker. “I'm sure I'll be at liberty to discuss the details after that though.”  
“Suit yourself,” she said, lighting up a smoke.”  
Selecting keystrokes with eye-movement behind the blindfold, 2B typed to Pod 042“I wonder if she knows or cares that she just lit up a smoke right next to the custom temperature-sensitive high-yield explosives? Either way, don't point that out to 9S.”  
“Affirmative” came the pod's text-only reply.  
“Well, that oughta do it,” said 9S to Jackass. “Thanks for your help.”  
“No prob,” Jackass answered. And with that, she and the large android went back on their way to the Resistance Camp.

A nebulously-short amount of time passed after that, which 9S and 2B spent repairing the truck into which the explosives had been loaded. After the truck was running again, 9S found a suitably wimpy machine to hack and remote-control, and promptly did just that.  
_I have to give him credit for his hacking skills,_ 2B thought. She decided not to pull up the portion of her memory containing a counter of all the times 9S had gotten them both destroyed and rebuilt at the Bunker. Within seconds he had hacked the machine  
“Got'im,” 9S said with quiet enthusiasm. “Oh good, this one's even one of the ones that worked at the Factory.”  
2B couldn't help but smile. Things were really looking up on this operation.  
The two YoRHa androids stowed in the back of the truck, as a last line of defense against any machines that might search the truck too thoroughly, ensuring that they would not live to give away the 9S' plan to the other machines in the factory.  
Ka-chunk, ka-chucnk.  
“The bomb's got plenty of shock-absorbers, so mowing 'em down with the truck should be fine” 9S said to 2B as they ran over a machine. Looking through the camera-eyes of the hijacked machine, 9S drove the truck flawlessly in through the open rear doors of the factory, near where that Goliath had shown up and destroyed the bridge a few months earlier. As he slowed the truck and saw some machines ahead inside the factory, the two ran into the first snag of the operation.

“Hey. Phil is back!” said a machine in their typical monotone, distorted voice.  
“Hey Phil, how is it hanging?” asked another machine.  
Machines started to approach the one 9S was controlling, forming a crowd on the driver's side of the truck.  
9S looked worried, which did not go unnoticed by 2B. He opened a text-only line to her.  
“2B, I think we have a problem.” He then sent a screenshot of the camera-feed through “Phil's” camera-eyes.  
“Happy. Birthday. Phil,” a tall machine carrying a stack of girder beams said.  
“Come to the break room, Phil,” said another large machine. And 9S saw his view shift from the driver's seat of the truck to atop the crowd of machines, who were apparently carrying Phil the Machine to the break room.  
“Now what? We don't have a driver,” was 2B's text-only reply.  
“That's a glass-half-empty way to look at it,” 9S answered, this time aloud. “Look. All the machines are headed to that side-room. We have a clear path to that kiln up ahead.”  
2B sighed in resignation.  
“If you get up to the cab, you should be able to drive the truck closer to that cargo lift. Then I'll just hack a machine to operate the lift and we both get out before he pushes it into the kiln.”  
2B looked out from under the tarp they had lain over themselves and the bomb to make sure there weren't any machines that would see her. She clambered out of the truck bed and hurried into the cab. The door was missing.  
_It was mere dumb luck that Phil the machine didn't fall out as we ran over those machi- er, speed bumps._  
2B drove the truck in to the cargo lift, still surprised they hadn't been discovered. Phil was apparently a popular machine, since the whole factory emptied for his birthday party.

In the break room, machines had donned pointed paper hats. 9S wondered how they had found a way to synthesize paper in a weapons factory. But what came next was even stranger.  
“Blow out the candles after you make a wish, Phil,” said the machine, pulling out a massive, pastry cube from an oven.  
“Phil, make a wish,” said another machine.  
Improvising, 9S took over voice control of Phil.  
“Alright... uh... I don't have a mouth. How do I blow these out... Oh!”  
2B heard a loud chain of explosions in the break room.  
“I had to blow up our driver, 2B,” said 9S. “They were onto me, I tell ya.”  
“Right... 2B answered slowly in disbelief. So now that you've blown up the entire shift of factory workers, how are we gonna remote-drive the truck into the kiln?” she asked, exasperated.  
“I sure wish I would've known that I'd be clearing out this entire floor of machines. Without their signal jamming I could've just built a remote detonator onto the bomb.”  
Suddenly a beeping came from a smoke detector in the break room.  
“Uh-oh...” was 2B's only response.  
9S pulled up the schematics of the factory. There was a gas-line in the break room hooked up to the oven. When 9S issued the self-destruct command to Phil, he ignited the gas in the oven and caused a flash-back in the gas-line.  
“9S, we gotta get out of here! Abort Mission!”  
9S was still looking at the schematics for a way out of this mess. His finger traced the burning pipe until it lead him to a shut-off valve.  
“C'mon 9S!”  
“I found the shutoff valve!” 9S said, pointing to a valve on the wall. It was right next to the truck. That was convenient, but also its problem. The flames roared down the gas line, shot the shut-off valve into the side of the truck like a projectile, denting its side, and then...

They woke up in the Bunker.


End file.
